


Broken, But Not Beyond Repair

by idrilhadhafang



Series: Star Wars, Episode VIII: The Last Jedi [22]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Ben Solo POV, Dysfunctional Family, F/M, Family Drama, Family legacy, Father-Daughter Relationship, Gay Poe Dameron, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Jedi Rey, Kylo Ren Redemption, Luke is a good master, M/M, Mentions of Darth Vader - Freeform, Nightmares, POV Poe Dameron, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Post-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Redeemed Ben Solo, Rey Needs A Hug, Rey POV, Rey Skywalker, Rey struggles with the Dark Side, character death is han solo, married darkpilot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-10
Updated: 2017-07-10
Packaged: 2018-11-30 03:15:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11454816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: Two captives of Kylo Ren, and the aftermath of their ordeals.





	Broken, But Not Beyond Repair

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Captivity
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author's Notes: Special thanks to Lisalicious for some of her advice re: the Poe and Ben scene.

 

 After the Starkiller planet, Rey's memories of the torture that Kylo Ren (and there's nothing that anyone can do to persuade her that this man is anything but a monster, a sadist, a murderer) crash down on her in dreams. In dreams, she can still feel herself in shackles, even though she knows that she's not in shackles in real life. She's away from the base, away from the Starkiller planet. She's with Luke. She's safe. Kylo Ren isn't coming for her either. She knows that.

He's busy training with Snoke. She can feel his anguish over killing his own father radiate over the Force, battering at her mind, howling like a wolf. He's still a monster, she thinks. It's a sort of poisonous anger that's settled in her heart, and she's already scared of failure. She narrowly managed to pull herself away from the Dark Side on the Starkiller planet. She can't bear the idea that she could actually fall. Become like him.

Sometimes she has nightmares about scratching away her own face to see Kylo Ren's. Or her blue lightsaber, which she's still wielding, turning red like Kylo's.

She always wakes from these nightmares in a cold sweat, unable to bear the idea of actually becoming like that.

Luke coaches her, guides her. "You're far from the only one," he tells her. "When I was a boy, and I know you'll find this unbelievable -- "

Rey scoffs. "Come on," she says. "Those tales from when you were a boy dominate legends."

Luke laughs. "Right. Anyway," he says, more seriously, "when I was a boy, I don't think anyone told you this, but I came close to killing my own father."

Rey doesn't know how to react to that. Luke continues. "He had threatened to turn my sister to the Dark Side. It's a common tactic for those on the Dark Side, those like him. I had him eventually cornered, at my mercy, helpless...and it was the knowledge that I would become like him that pulled me away from killing him. The Emperor goaded me too, urging me to give in and become his apprentice, but I had no desire to. I was tortured for it."

Rey can only imagine Luke Skywalker, younger, standing over his father like she stood over Kylo Ren, ready to kill him, only to snap out of it just in time. Someone had been in her head, urging her to kill Ren, to give into her anger, but that would have been of the Dark Side, that would not have been allowed.

They're not that different, are they? They both stood on that precipice, and they just narrowly pulled themselves away.

She can picture him withstanding torture as well. She can picture him standing defiantly before the Emperor, willing to withstand whatever the Emperor threw at him. And her respect for him grows.

"And when I thought all hope was lost, Vader saved me."

"Vader?" She can't believe it. Of all the people who would save someone, Vader would not be one of them.

"Yes. It sounds unbelievable, but he did save me. I owe him my life, in a way. He did his share of atrocities in his life, Rey, but he also did good."

Rey shakes her head. "I can't picture that."

"Understandable. My sister never really believed it either. Not that I blame her. My sister was subjected to atrocities at his hands." Luke goes quiet. "Her path to forgiveness...I don't think she'll ever reach it. And I don't fault her for it. But there is a whole legacy of anger in our Order."

"Yeah," Rey says. "I am angry. At Kylo Ren, at..."

"At others?"

"Yes." Unkar Plutt is one of them, though it's less on her behalf and more on the behalf of others.

"The Jedi believed anger led to the Dark Side. But anger is not an evil emotion. What you do with it is what determines who you are. We've all got a streak of Dark in us, Rey. What we do with it ultimately defines if we're Light or Dark, and even those on the Dark path aren't lost forever."

"That's...good to hear."

They train. Luke comforts her through the nightmares, telling her that she's on Ach-To, that she's safe now, that she's protected. The night that she wakes up from a nightmare about kneeling before a figure she can only assume is Snoke, Luke comforts her, telling her that she's safe.

And with Luke, Rey feels safe. She feels as if he's familiar, actually -- the same that she did with Han. The father she never had. Maybe it's desperation, of course. Unkar Plutt was never much of a father figure to her; indeed, he often humiliated her and put her down, devalued her. Aaron had been a good father-figure to her, but she had died when she was thirteen, along with Zara. Rey still misses them.

It seems that most of her father figures either die horribly or mistreat her in some way. But Luke's kind to her and he's not going to leave her. Not now, not ever. And that comforts Rey.

***

After the Finalizer, Poe does what he can to get back to normal, even with all these things he sees. The flashbacks. Doctor Gray says they're flashbacks, and they're normal for someone who went through what Poe did. Poe's still trying to remind himself where he is, telling himself "I am in the Resistance Base with people who love and care for me; I am not on the Finalizer with Ben..."

And yet even that hurts. The knowledge that Ben has fallen. Ben is Kylo Ren. And Poe doesn't tell anyone because he's ashamed of it, but by the stars, he still loves Ben with all his heart.

Even in between the flashbacks, he can't help but also be inundated with memories of Ben. Ben's touch, Ben's smile, Ben's embrace, Ben's laugh, Ben...

And that's one of the things that hurts most of all, that he can't tell anyone. That he's still madly (beyond reason, beyond hope) in love with the man who tortured him, and perhaps always will be.

Snap and Jess try to cheer him up, of course. Telling him it's not his fault. And after one instance of another member of Black Squadron jeeringly referring to him as "Ren's whore", Snap punches him out.

"If you talk about Poe like that again, I won't hesitate to repeat what I did."

As they walk away, Poe says, "Watch out for that temper, Snap", but he says it gently.

"No one messes with our Commander," Snap says. "Besides, it wasn't your fault. What that bastard did to you is not your fault."

And Poe knows more than anything that Snap is a keeper as a friend. He just wishes that he could tell Snap more of the truth. Who Kylo Ren is.

***  
Her relationship with Ben starts patching up after the final battle with Snoke. It's in baby steps, and Rey -- Jaina Skywalker -- doubts that she'll be able to forgive him for what he did, but she can still love him. Forgiveness is a complicated thing; you can't just wave a hand and expect it to be all right again like you would when using the Force. But she can love him.

(She knows that Poe's doing the same as well. He doesn't forgive his husband, not in the sense of "It was all right that you were a murdering, torturing bastard", but he still loves him)

She still has the occasional nightmare about being in the torture room, her cousin's voice in her ear, talking about her father's island. She wakes up in a cold sweat from one of them, and it takes Sam -- formerly Finn -- to say, "It's all right, Jaina. You're safe now. You're not in that room."

And Jaina takes comfort in Sam's presence, knowing that he's there for her no matter what, and that she's safe.

***

Making love is one thing, but then there's the matter of actually doing normal things together, like sharing the same bed. Ben can't say that he's used to it, actually. Back as Kylo Ren, he was used to sleeping alone. He was used to sleeping by himself -- well, except for Grandfather's helmet resting in his room, half-melted yet still majestic. It's one of those things that was lost on the Finalizer when it went down. Even that knowledge makes Ben's chest ache. Just another relic lost to the destruction of the Finalizer.

(He's burned Vader's cape. It's an apology to his Grandfather, in a way, for not letting him rest in peace.)

He's not used to Poe being beside him again. And he shouldn't do this. He shouldn't be here, not after what he's done. Poe's been having flashbacks since the Finalizer and having his torturer in his bed...

He gets up, suddenly disgusted with himself. Poe shifts in his sleep all the while even as Ben heads to the window, drawing his sleeping robe over himself.

He looks out the window of the house that they share, and gets a good glimpse of his face. An older, paler, thinner face, with a black scar that runs down his face. The First Order medical staff managed to heal the scar on his forehead as well as the scar on his left arm (though the latter still remains, faded), but the black scar remains as a trophy of what he did.

His father is dead. (Though he forgives him. Somehow, even after all this time, his father forgives him) His mother is dead. (Though she forgives him too) Jaina's relationship with him is just patching. As is Poe's, and Sam's. And he did all these terrible things. Tortured Jaina. (And hated it) Tortured Poe. (And hated that as well) Tortured Sam. (And actually seen it as pragmatism) And to think that all of it had started because he had had even the purest of intentions in falling.

Footsteps. Poe's footsteps. Ben stands, rigid, near the window. He doesn't deserve to be comforted, to be told that it's all okay. And yet here Poe is, standing with him, eyes already shining with forgiveness. Forgiveness that Ben knows he doesn't deserve.

"Hey." Poe's voice is soft.

"Hey." Ben says.

Poe steps forward, takes Ben's hands. Ben flinches away, but Poe says, "I won't hurt you."

"I don't deserve -- "

"It's not about deserving. I still love you, Ben. I always have."

"Don't." Ben can already see the mixture of Poe's nightmares -- part of it is the Finalizer. He'd done to Poe what he had done to Narudar and many others -- he had tortured him, all with his mind. I did this. I hurt the man I love. "I hurt you. Dear stars, Poe, Jaina was right. I am a monster."

"Ben -- "

Ben runs a thumb tenderly down one of Poe's scars -- scars that have never truly marred such a beautiful, beloved face. He's not up for holding Poe yet, though he longs to, dear stars, he longs to. "I'm a sick monster."

"I know you didn't enjoy it. I can't picture you enjoying it anyway," Poe says.

Because that makes it all better, Ben thinks sarcastically. "I hurt you," Ben says. "I..." Stars, what did he do? How could he have done something so horrifying?

"And I don't forgive you," Poe says, "But I understand that you didn't enjoy it. I still love you, Ben."

He draws Ben in close, and Ben hugs him harder. No matter what happens, he will never hurt Poe again. He is certain of it.

 

 

 


End file.
